the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
