forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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