Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
