my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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