Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Let's get the cat blown out
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
