Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
