dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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