We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
