I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Randomize
