Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
