Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
