Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
