i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
