"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
