I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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