Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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