Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
