I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
