This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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