I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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