If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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