I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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