I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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