the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
