She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
