sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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