remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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