Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
