does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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