I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can't turn off my feet"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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