Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I didn't shave. On purpose
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
