God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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