I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Houston, we have a blender
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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