There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
