so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
