we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
