the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
