Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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