My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
