I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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