I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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