I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
