Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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