I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
