You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I forget how to act sober
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