I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
