I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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