he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
