I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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