alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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