I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
